So we go there, where nothing is waiting; and we find everything waiting there.

~ Pablo Neruda

What in your life is calling you, when all the noise is silenced, the meetings adjourned, the lists laid aside, and the wild Iris blooms by itself in the dark forest, what still pulls on your soul?

~ Rumi

On my mind

On my mind
is a song
and a man
I barely knew

Come to Montreal
he wrote to me
I wonder what he meant
or imagines by that
sex I suppose

Heady sensuality
but 5 days without any ass
he wrote
so I am confused
why ask for me to fly out
when drinking doubles

I imagine I am searching
for connection
and intimacy but feel
like glass transparent and
breakable

Rough they are on tinder
wanna fuck
words and conversation
slashing
without substance

What is it like to have been with so many

Little fish, big fish
swimming around
men
working the sea

A hook is removed
and the fish is thrown back
into the sea
and the fishing pole stuck out again

Does the same fish
ever find the man's rod again?
Or do they just swim around again
with a hook-scar
carving
a sad smile in its face

Or is it just the lumpy funny looking fish
that are to be examined and toyed with
they get thrown back
the gills of their hearts
making funny patterns
in the water

Do they become disposable
forgettable
a picture or
just a memory that fades
over time

Stories

Will I be fired? That is the question. Today did not go well with Blair. It seems as though he doesn't want to keep me on as an associate beyond the end of the year. My work isn't good enough. Too many mistake he says. Although I think this is not fair. So much of what he gives me is above my head or poorly explained. I do my best to clarify. And I do check things carefully. I will check more carefully. What will become of me?

This morning went as follows. A brief hello at 7:30. Then Blair sat down in my office and proceeded to talk. He even said at one point I should look for something else, but then he also said we need to figure out a strategy to make this work. So I don't know where we are at. All I know is the fear and fear is the mind killer. Fear of unemployment...fear of...

And something started in my soul, fever or forgotten wings, and I made my own way, deciphering that fire, and I wrote the first faint line, without substance, pure nonsense, pure wisdom of someone who knows nothing, and I suddenly saw the heavens unfastened and open. ~ Pablo Neruda

Afterwards

Heartache is difficult to bear
What is a broken heart
Ache is different
It's not knowing

It's opportunity lost
It's the lover who wouldn't care
Tenderness never granted
The questions never asked

Ache not for the words not spoken
But in the desire to know
another
that was never ignited

Sleepwalking in the Rift

Inspired
By a man
is this true
I don't know

He left though
No one reads my words
which seems to signify
nothing

So I shall write
into the darkness
as I have done before
alone

Pulled at my heart he did
Manu
and I don't know
why

*Sigh*

Sharing

I made the mistake of mentioning that I have a blog to a couple of people. I should have been less specific perhaps saying 'I like to write.' Naturally some general questions were asked about the blog; what it is about, the blogs location etc. In fear, I immediately removed some posts and began writing in Word. I wanted to use this as a medium to talk about my interests, the things going on in my life and other miscellaneous musings. I also thought it would be a good opportunity to practice my writing. I like writing, at least at did in law school although I was never pleased with my work. The blog appeals to me as a simple and (potentially) aesthetically pleasing way to write however, I have to reconcile the desire to use the blog with my desire to preserve my privacy. In other words, I want to use this rather public way of sharing information as privately as possible.

So, I suppose I will see how it goes. I guess what I post will depend on what exactly it is I am writing about. The handy stat counter should be useful. I suppose it's ironic, and um, perhaps not-so-smart that I would use something like this to write about my thoughts when I often find it difficult to discuss the same things with people, but that is a topic for another post and really concerns the concept of trust and friendship rather than that of privacy.

Swimming Ponds

To diverge from general moanings. Swimming ponds are highly cools things. The basic idea is to create a swimming space with clean, low nutrient water using plants. Swimming ponds use two pools- one being the swimming area the other the vegetative region, where water from the 'pool' is circulated. The pools are not totally separate in the most common designs a wall exists between the two with a 10cm or so gap below the surface of the water throught which the water can flow into the regenerative pond.
Swimming ponds are not common. I've only found a smattering of information on the web, none from north america- some from england and german sites. Swimming ponds are becoming popular in germany and austria but as I mentioned nearly unheard of outside of that.
However there was an excellent article in the Royal Horticultural Society's - Garden - magazine, July 2005 issue. Also in my links section is an english website of some landscape architects that construct swimming ponds.

Check out the article and website(s). The Garden magazine in particular is a good overview and gets into the sorts of plants and construction you would need for a thing like this.

For plant and water lovers, a perfect combination that is also self sustaining and environmentally beneficial!